I do know.

I have been asked many times over the past four years, “How do you do it?!” My response is always, “I don’t know.” But, I do know.

Holy Moly! What a year! I think we could all agree we’re not sad to say goodbye to 2020. It’s been a very different year.

Yes, I said different, not difficult. Now, hold on a minute, before you get your undies all in a bundle, I’m talking about myself, not anyone else.

Covid has brought on so many big opinions, death, darkness, distance learning, and quarantining. For us though, having to quarantine is nothing new. We’ve been living a quarantine life the past four years.

We might be stuck at home, but in my house, we have food on the table every day, clean water to drink, a roof overhead, and a whole lot of love.

Others might disagree with me when I say this year has been different, not difficult. We ventured to Cincinnati to have them give us some not so uplifting news. Sam spent forty-five days in the hospital. I guess we have had some pretty scary moments, but none have had anything to do with Covid. We’ve definitely had our fair share of unfairness handed to us, and it’s not only Sam who gives us a hard time. Like I’ve mentioned before, he’s not our only hard kid. Someday I know, I’ll be able to share our other story, but for now that story will have to wait.

For now, I can tell you, Covid, distance learning, Sam, and the other story has been trying, but my joy, cannot, and has not been shaken.

This might sound cliche, but from my experience, when you fully choose to have Jesus on your side, your joy can’t be taken from you. I’m not saying you won’t have your moments. I believe Satan will try his very best, EVERY opportunity he gets to steal our joy, but he won’t be able to if we truly accept His love for us.

To me, this doesn’t mean going to church every Sunday, and it’s far from being perfect.

It’s a relationship, NOT a religion.

You get to save your Debbie Downer moments for Him. It’s a person you can cry heavy tears to as many times as you want, and you never have to feel you’re being a burden. With Him by your side, you can pick yourself up, and slap a smile on your face, even when you don’t feel like it.

He’s the one who whispers, you’ve got this. You are not alone. Keep going. Just put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

In the moments I don’t feel His peace, I lean on His handbook (the Bible) He gave us for wisdom, direction, and encouragement.

When I let Him fight my battles, my whole attitude and outlook on life changes. There’s hope, not despair. Love, not hate. Joy, not sorrow. Peace, not worry. Patience, not anxiety. Kindness, not meanness. Faithfulness, not unfaithfulness. Gentleness, not hardness. Having self-control, not feeling powerlessness.

It’s about a relationship, not just faith, but a true relationship. It’s letting Him be my confidant.

He gives us purpose for our pain. Those hard things we go through in life, when we allow them to, will strengthen our character, not leaving us feeling weak.

My goodness, if we can’t cling to hope, then what can we cling to?

One of my darkest moments in life has also turned out to be one of my most peace filled moments. I remember like it was yesterday.

I had been “living” in the hospital with Sam for almost three months. I woke up at something o’clock in the morning to the lights flipping on, and swift feet tapping hard on the floor. Before I could even react, the nurse was pushing the code blue button.

I had already experienced this two times before, with the second being less than twent-four hours prior. I jumped out of bed, threw on my flip flops, pushed back the curtain, and quickly stepped out of his room, knowing in a flash, there would be a flood of highly trained people rushing into Sam’s room.

I sat on a chair outside his room feeling numb, praying inside my head and thinking why is this happening again. I remember a nurse whispering to another nurse, “She doesn’t need to hear this.” They gently lead me outside the double doors of the unit and sat with me on the vinyl hospital couch in a small waiting area.

To this day, I couldn’t tell you what they were protecting me from because I didn’t hear a thing. It was as if everything around me fell completely silent. I remember the nurse who sat with me, hugged me, and told me, “Seconds feel like minutes, and minutes feel like hours.” She could not have been more accurate. I also remember begging God to keep my son alive, and telling Him in the same breath, no matter what happens, I will still serve you, but please, please keep my son alive.

The next thing I knew they were flying around the corner through the double doors with Sam, several people around his bed, and bagging him at the same time. I know I followed still praying he would be okay.

I would find out later, Sam had over ten minutes of chest compressions that night.

The craziest thing about that short story, is I still remember, I had this overwhelming peace come over me, even though I didn’t know the outcome.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I do know how I do it. I believe in a God whose plans are good for me, even when I can’t see. I know my God is with me in the deepest valley and on the highest mountaintop.

Maybe next time I get asked the question, I can answer honestly. Boy am I thankful for His grace, because I think I already know what my answer will be.

12 thoughts on “I do know.

  1. I give you so much respect for your faith. My faith in Christ got me through Marina’s passing. It sustains me today. I pray for you and your family especially Sam. May God bless you, Sam and your family in 2021.
    Butch

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post was much needed today! Thank you and God bless you, Sam and your family! Life is hard…but God is good! In Christ, Tammy Lindstrand

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you dear friend for reminding me that God’s love is perfect. Yes, 2020 was “different”, but we have so much to be thankful for. Your faith is beautiful and encouraging.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jamie! I feel so touched by the way you write and share more than just the story. The faith you have helped me understand deeply that Jesus or lord is the only answer. Laying on your floor in Concerto Curve house talking and watching the kids was more than that . It was god working through you to me. To keep me learning more and more of what I needed . So I thank you for helping me in that journey. I give every praise to the lord who he helped me every moment of my life. I wanted you to know I am thankful for our friendship than and now. Your gifts keep giving and your messages keep speaking. Keep spreading god words to the world!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for putting your faith so beautifully on this page. We pray for you all often, How could we live our lives with out Jesus?
    God is Good all the time.
    ❤️🙏❤️🙌

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You pull the word right from my heart! Love this! There is a peace that the spirit brings us and I am truly grateful for that! Continued prayers over your family!

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m not sure how I missed this post…but I read it today and it brought me to tears. We just recently experienced a life threatening situation with one of my adult children (details I’ve not been given permission to share…but full recovery happening now), so this post brought tears and a not so far away recall of sitting on my couch praying (no hospital visits due to COVID). Everything you said resonated with me. Only with God….

    Liked by 2 people

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